Posted by: Justin | June 3, 2012

Where Has the Time Gone?

Looking back I realize one thing more than anything else: I’ve lost  control of my life and it’s gotten nowhere. This is not meant to be a negative post where I am looking to get feelings of sympathy or  empathy. It’s meant more as a warning and way of reflecting on where things have gone. I am almost at 20 years (this  December) in the Navy and there are times I feel I have nothing to show for  it. There’s a lot  I want  to do and a lot I need  to do before I get out. I won’t go into specifics, but I do want to find a way to just get my frustrations with myself off my chest and find a way to help others learn from my mistakes and maybe help myself in the end by writing about it. I’m sure my readers, however few they were, have given up on looking at this site, so it most likely will only be a post for me. That’s okay as long as it helps.

One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with is depression and with that comes a laundry list of other problems. The biggest one is procrastination and a lack of desire to do things, especially  the things I want to do. I usually wind up doing time-wasting activities that numb my mind and keep me distracted. I honestly never realized that this was a result of being depressed. I just always thought it was my being lazy and not understanding why I can’t get things done. It was not for a lack of wanting to do them, it’s just sheer lack of willpower. In the end, I wind up despising myself and getting more depressed.

Other things that have resulted from my depression and the ensuing procrastination would be a lack of organization, communication issues, withdrawal from society (being a hermit), hoarding, spending, financial issues, relationship issues and fitness problems. Did I forget to mention the lack of self-respect? There’s that too. I’ve tried medicine, but that made things worse.

I’ve seriously neglected my blogs and several other things that I’ve had good intentions of doing; things that I really want to do, but can’t seem to get them done. There has to be a way to get going with the things I’ve started in my life and keep going with them, not playing meaningless video games or watching hours of TV and movies. There has to be a way to fight the depression and I’m determined to find that way or die trying (let’s hope I succeed).

Perhaps the secret lies in doing things one step at a time. It might feel wrong to put other things aside, but if that’s what I have to do, then so be it. I’ve recently started exercising more and trying to eat better. I go through a few days of bad eating or skipping my workouts here and there, but I’ve had more success than I’ve had in a while. I’ve also recently injured my right knee from pushing too hard, but I think that if I can keep going with that and write about it, I will see myself excited by the change and the success and will eventually spread it out to other areas of my life.

Let’s see if I can stick with this blog for now and generate something good from it, even if it just winds up helping me only.

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