Posted by: Justin | May 28, 2013

Depression

I recently saw my shrink and found out that not only do I have clinical depression, but I have the most severe form of it. Once I was diagnosed with it, back last Summer I believe, I had initially wanted to do some posts here on depression and how to overcome it. I believed I could maybe help myself by talking about and discussing what I’m learning about depression and perhaps help someone else.

As life would have it. I got busy, got sidetracked and otherwise put this off and forgot about blogging. This is something I’m trying to rectify. Lately, as I discussed in previous postings, I retired from the military, lost about 2/3 of my regular pay and got a job going abroad. That job didn’t pan out for me. I am hoping my detailing career might take off and fill in the gap on that income difference. The only problem I face is confidence and motivation.

I might as well own up to it and put out there one of the other things that has me down. I met a lady there in Thailand and we registered for marriage about a month ago. In Thailand, that’s equivalent to being married legally, though not necessarily here in the States. That was before I lost the job. After losing it, my “wife” got angry and things have spiraled down since. Tonight was the worst night for me in a long time.

I had posted a blog-post last year describing how I couldn’t go on anymore and contemplated ending it all. I hid it out of embarrassment and shame that people would see it. It describes further how I feel I’ve lost everything in life. My family fell apart and most everyone is estranged or dead. I have no friends and barely any acquaintances. A lot of it is due to my own fault. I let depression get the better of me and out of depression, I pushed everyone and everything away from me. I tried to get out of it and lately I was feeling better. Now that my “wife” is leaving me, which will technically be strike three for me, losing that job, losing my main source of income and not knowing how to function with severe depression, I can’t get a job and I am again feeling as if I just want to give up.

I pray that something in my life can turn around for me. I pray that I can learn to crawl back from the abyss again. If I can make it through the night and see another day, I pray the Lord can give me the strength to make my journey one step at a time. If He can, I will do a series on depression and hope that it can not only help me, but help someone else.

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Responses

  1. Justin,

    Damn it! That’s such an unacceptably permanent solution to a temporary problem!

    I’m still reading your posts, I’m still listening to your blog! I loved your crack post, it reminded me of midnight runs to walmart in college in Hilo!

    Call your shrink, call family, call a suicide hotline, man, but don’t give up! You’ve got a talent for writing, you’re funny, and contrary to what your depression might be telling you, you’ve got a lot to live for! Every day is a new beginning, with new opportunities! I’ve emailed Dr. Carr, the naval shrink who helped get in touch with your CO last year and we’ll get you help! You’ve asked for it, and it doesn’t sound like you want to end it or you wouldn’t be posting here!

    Where are you now? Can you get yourself to your shrink, or do you need more help than that? I’m trying to find out if the navy can still help you, I think they can…or some sort of veterans’ service perhaps?

    Fuck! This is so aggravating, I want to just reach through the computer and smack you. You’re obviously quite intelligent, you’ve got a great sense of humor, I read that very post nearly a year ago as I was settling into bed. I saw that you had posted and thought “Oh, awesome, I could use a good read befor nodding off” and ended up losing a night of sleep trying to track you down and get help to you!

    Sorry to call you on it, but that ‘strike three’ thing is BS! We all have strikes and you’re just fixating on a couple of recent ones and turning them into an analogy that’s convenient for your depression and it’s leading you down the wrong path! We all have bad days, bad months, even bad years! Depression sneaks up on you and you’ve admitted as much yourself that it’s severe! Let the logical part of your brain keep you going tonight and take you to get help tomorrow!

    I searched for depression information online last year and had a hell of a time finding anything useful that I could connect with! You could dialog your recovery and potentially help a whole lot of people. Study it, learn why you feel the way you do and maybe get some medication to take the edge off the lowest of the lows and work through the less low parts. Maybe you could even turn it into a book; depression is more common than most people think. With your talent and humor, you could be saving lives with your writing, but start with saving your own!

    • Jon,

      Thanks for the concern. I was not going to do anything last night, but I just was trying to fend off a breakdown. I’m out of the Navy now and so not much they would do or be able to do about it now that I’m out. I am still working with someone and hopefully I can try to be more positive. The three strikes thing is something I always told myself, that if I married again, it would be the last one. Perhaps I can look at it as a “didn’t count” since I never made it official here at home and it lasted less than a month. To be honest, a lot of that coming out of my mouth was the depression speaking and me not thinking clearly. I invite you though to keep encouraging me and hopefully I have a friend out there who can help me work through this depression of mine.

      Justin


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