Posted by: Justin | October 6, 2013

Where’s Waldo? Erm.. Justin I Mean

Well I am still here. I have been trying different things like meditation to calm down, learn to be positive and not focus on things that get me depressed. So far, it’s been fairly successful. I’ve also found I might have ADD, which accounts for why I can’t seem to stick with things and might be a significant source of my depression. The challenge is to stick with the meditation and get some structure in my life.

I haven’t been focusing on my blog as I’m a little more focused on my detailing business. I have been posting photos there regularly and hope to integrate that with my blog for my business. If anyone is interested and wants to support my business, please go to http://www.facebook.com/thedetailingprosmonterey and like my page. Also, my blog for my business is http://www.thedetailingprosmonterey.com . Be patient with me as I get things straight one day at a time and back to blogging again on a regular basis.

– Justin

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Posted by: Justin | July 17, 2013

Sisu

I learned a new term recently, “sisu”. Sisu apparently is Finnish for spirit and derives from the fact that the Finnish don’t know how to give up, they don’t complain and they fight to the bitter end. I’ve decided that even though I’m broke, even though I have no family, no friends, no home to go to anymore and I’m severely depressed, I will not complain or give up. Now to see if I still feel this way tomorrow.

Posted by: Justin | July 4, 2013

Exercising Again

As you may have noticed in my twitter feed, I am back to exercising again. I’ve been sick, traumatized and depressed as hell lately. This week was the week I decided to get back to exercising again (works especially well since the first of the month started on a Monday). I am doing a 90-day Tai Chi program called Tai Cheng, which helps get your body back in alignment and a 30-day program called 10-Minute Trainer. It’s only ten minutes (well 14 if you include the two-minute warm-up and cool-down sessions). All in all, it takes about 40 minutes to do the whole thing if I do them back to back. I’m hoping that the increase in serotonin from exercise will help raise my mood levels and even though things are messed up in my life, I can weather them better. I also hope that it will help with much needed weight loss and improvement in my joints and immune system. I am looking forward to getting over all the pain I feel every day too. So, feel free to give me a push and keep me going with this. Oh and I start my Specialist in Fitness Nutrition course on Monday. I am excited to learn more about eating healthy and being able to use sound nutrition to support my goals.

Posted by: Justin | June 1, 2013

Made It

I made it through Hell week so far. To sum it up: I retired, lost my job, lost my grandma, my wife ran off, the IRS audited me and slapped me with a penalty, I had a bad flu and sinus infection and my eye is red and swollen.

On the bright side, as a guy I know just reminded me, I have nowhere else to go now but up. I did file for unemployment, which is embarrassing, and I’m trying to find ways to get cash flow coming in again. So much to do to get my life back on track. I just don’t know where to begin.

I’m also starting over in everything. So it’s now time to try to see the good in it. I also need to make a game plan for my blog postings on depression. I guess this can be the first since I did make it.

Posted by: Justin | May 29, 2013

Gone

Well, I made it through the night without a nervous breakdown, which is good. My depression was rearing it’s ugly head, but didn’t get me completely. So now I have to keep my word and start writing about depression and what I learn about it, my struggles with it and how to overcome it.

Before I do that though, I wanted to say goodbye to Imogene Bolt. Imogene was my father’s mother. As stated before in my post about her, she was in my life until I was four, then my father’s family had a huge falling out and everyone disowned everyone. I never got to know her and supposedly she remembered who I was there near the end and remembered that I am her grandson. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but hopefully that’s some sign she got my message that I forgive her. I did shed a few tears for her and I pray she’s at peace in Heaven. I pray that she gets to see Dad up there and know that they are in a better place and can be happy. I’m just very sad that I never got to know her and never got to talk to her. I also had a bad windshield repair on a car today that made me pretty embarrassed, so I’m praying that depression doesn’t kick in tonight.

Now I’m off to update Ancestry.com with my grandmother’s death (yes, I will at least let her get to be called that today).

Posted by: Justin | May 28, 2013

Depression

I recently saw my shrink and found out that not only do I have clinical depression, but I have the most severe form of it. Once I was diagnosed with it, back last Summer I believe, I had initially wanted to do some posts here on depression and how to overcome it. I believed I could maybe help myself by talking about and discussing what I’m learning about depression and perhaps help someone else.

As life would have it. I got busy, got sidetracked and otherwise put this off and forgot about blogging. This is something I’m trying to rectify. Lately, as I discussed in previous postings, I retired from the military, lost about 2/3 of my regular pay and got a job going abroad. That job didn’t pan out for me. I am hoping my detailing career might take off and fill in the gap on that income difference. The only problem I face is confidence and motivation.

I might as well own up to it and put out there one of the other things that has me down. I met a lady there in Thailand and we registered for marriage about a month ago. In Thailand, that’s equivalent to being married legally, though not necessarily here in the States. That was before I lost the job. After losing it, my “wife” got angry and things have spiraled down since. Tonight was the worst night for me in a long time.

I had posted a blog-post last year describing how I couldn’t go on anymore and contemplated ending it all. I hid it out of embarrassment and shame that people would see it. It describes further how I feel I’ve lost everything in life. My family fell apart and most everyone is estranged or dead. I have no friends and barely any acquaintances. A lot of it is due to my own fault. I let depression get the better of me and out of depression, I pushed everyone and everything away from me. I tried to get out of it and lately I was feeling better. Now that my “wife” is leaving me, which will technically be strike three for me, losing that job, losing my main source of income and not knowing how to function with severe depression, I can’t get a job and I am again feeling as if I just want to give up.

I pray that something in my life can turn around for me. I pray that I can learn to crawl back from the abyss again. If I can make it through the night and see another day, I pray the Lord can give me the strength to make my journey one step at a time. If He can, I will do a series on depression and hope that it can not only help me, but help someone else.

Posted by: Justin | May 23, 2013

Got Crack?

Just wanted to share an interesting view that I beheld today. I surely thought all those photos of the “People of Walmart” were staged, but I’ll be darned if one didn’t escape and make his way to the doctor’s office today. I was also surprised at the timing of having my iPhone handy in my hands and ready to acquire such a momentous occasion. So here it is in all it’s glory just for your viewing pleasure as well. Enjoy!

2013-05-23 15.42.48

Posted by: Justin | May 23, 2013

Imogene

Imogene BoltAbout 35 years ago, in 1978, my grandpa and my dad’s mom, Imogene Bolt, divorced. It was pretty nasty and ended up somehow with Imogene disowning my dad, me, who was four at the time, and my sister, who was only two years old. Later her disowning of our family would extend to my youngest sister as well, Stephanie, who is 12 years younger than me. In my late twenties, I decided to start working on my family tree and when I got to her side, she refused to talk to me or see me to discuss her side of the tree. My dad was terminally ill in 2003 and passed away in July of 2004 at the age of 50. Neither did she go see him on his death bed, nor did she attend the funeral, much less send flowers or a card. To my knowledge, she never even visited his grave. Yet again, I tried to reach out to her and again to no avail. My grandpa didn’t see any reason why she would refuse to see me as I was only a child when they divorced and she had no reason to hold a grudge against me, but my aunt stated that not only was I not welcome to contact her, but I was not even welcome in her town. Grandpa passed away himself in July of 2008. Every year I have been on the lookout to see if she passed away yet and every year hoping not, hoping that she may yet change her mind.

Within the past week or so, I reached out to my aunt Susan again to ask if her mother was still alive and if she ever asked about me. Susan replied her mother was still alive and no, never asked about me. I then told Susan that I forgive her mother and that I hope she would change her mind and be willing to talk to me before she passed away. Sadly, my aunt Susan contacted me today to tell me that Imogene is on her deathbed and most likely will be gone within the night. It’s sad to think that just as I said this, it happened. It’s sad to see how our family fell apart and how a grudge over something as simple as my father refusing to lie for her in court would result in never talking to her son again or even her own grandchildren. For the last 35 years, I’ve held hate in my heart for Imogene. I’ve never forgiven her for abandoning us, even as I reached out to her. It’s funny that such a thing happened between my mother and I not long after Dad died. Now as I look back, I wonder why I should hold on to such enmity. Why should I hold a grudge and continue this evil spirit of hate in our family. Life is too short and too precious. I decided to forgive all those who have harmed or wronged me in the past and in turn, I pray that anyone I have harmed or wronged will forgive me. I truly hope that this day is not Imogene’s last and I pray that she can get it in her heart to see me even once before she goes. If not, please God, grant her a peaceful death and let her into Heaven with the knowledge that we forgive her.

If you are reading this, I pray you too can reflect back on your past and anyone who has harmed you or wronged you and forgive them. Reach out to those you have done wrong to and ask for forgiveness. Don’t let another day go past so that you may live in peace and prosperity. Here’s to you Imogene… though I’ve refused to call you so for the last 35 years, you are my grandmother. May you go in peace.

Posted by: Justin | May 17, 2013

Hello From Bangkok

Ever gotten tired of doing something or feel bored in general and the only things that interest you are just watching TV or something as equally mind-numbing? That’s me right now. To briefly catch everyone up from the last time I was on my blog, say about a year ago, I was diagnosed with severe depression and was in the twilight of my Naval career. Since then, I got counseling, retired from the Navy, got trained as a master auto detailer, took a college course to be a certified fitness trainer (passed by the skin of my teeth), worked temporarily as a consultant for an oil company (didn’t work out as well as I had hoped when I started) and now I’m taking what I’ve made from that to get my detailing business off the ground. Well, it’s actually a bit below ground at the moment. I’m trying to find enthusiasm to get back into things again. I think if I can get this blog going regularly, not overextend myself and be consistent with the things I have to do, I will be fine.

You may have looked at my title for this post and wonder what it has to do with what I’m talking about. Simply put, I wound up as a consultant for a short time going to Thailand as a Thai speaker and made some decent cash in the process. My end goal was always to support my business back home and I was thinking to get out by the end of the year, but it came sooner than I expected. Honestly, I just wasn’t happy with the work and they were not too happy with my work, compounded with surgery on my knee and sinuses and recovering from depression, I just didn’t have a lot of energy in me and I went into the civilian workforce too soon. I think in the end it is working out for the best and personally I think God was putting it in my heart he wanted me doing my business, not this.

So, I’m currently still in Bangkok waiting for my plane back home.DSCF0389

Posted by: Justin | June 3, 2012

Where Has the Time Gone?

Looking back I realize one thing more than anything else: I’ve lost  control of my life and it’s gotten nowhere. This is not meant to be a negative post where I am looking to get feelings of sympathy or  empathy. It’s meant more as a warning and way of reflecting on where things have gone. I am almost at 20 years (this  December) in the Navy and there are times I feel I have nothing to show for  it. There’s a lot  I want  to do and a lot I need  to do before I get out. I won’t go into specifics, but I do want to find a way to just get my frustrations with myself off my chest and find a way to help others learn from my mistakes and maybe help myself in the end by writing about it. I’m sure my readers, however few they were, have given up on looking at this site, so it most likely will only be a post for me. That’s okay as long as it helps.

One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with is depression and with that comes a laundry list of other problems. The biggest one is procrastination and a lack of desire to do things, especially  the things I want to do. I usually wind up doing time-wasting activities that numb my mind and keep me distracted. I honestly never realized that this was a result of being depressed. I just always thought it was my being lazy and not understanding why I can’t get things done. It was not for a lack of wanting to do them, it’s just sheer lack of willpower. In the end, I wind up despising myself and getting more depressed.

Other things that have resulted from my depression and the ensuing procrastination would be a lack of organization, communication issues, withdrawal from society (being a hermit), hoarding, spending, financial issues, relationship issues and fitness problems. Did I forget to mention the lack of self-respect? There’s that too. I’ve tried medicine, but that made things worse.

I’ve seriously neglected my blogs and several other things that I’ve had good intentions of doing; things that I really want to do, but can’t seem to get them done. There has to be a way to get going with the things I’ve started in my life and keep going with them, not playing meaningless video games or watching hours of TV and movies. There has to be a way to fight the depression and I’m determined to find that way or die trying (let’s hope I succeed).

Perhaps the secret lies in doing things one step at a time. It might feel wrong to put other things aside, but if that’s what I have to do, then so be it. I’ve recently started exercising more and trying to eat better. I go through a few days of bad eating or skipping my workouts here and there, but I’ve had more success than I’ve had in a while. I’ve also recently injured my right knee from pushing too hard, but I think that if I can keep going with that and write about it, I will see myself excited by the change and the success and will eventually spread it out to other areas of my life.

Let’s see if I can stick with this blog for now and generate something good from it, even if it just winds up helping me only.

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